Then I Saw His Face, Now I'm a Believer
In honor of my oldest son turning 9 in a few weeks, take a walk down memory lane with me with a journal entry from 2016
I’ve always wanted to be a wife and mom. You would never have heard me admit that until about a year ago, when I met my husband, and he just brought it out of me. A few months later, my husband made me a wife, and a few weeks after that, First Response informed me I would be a mom. Just like that, in under a year, my entire life changed, and I was ecstatic!
I like to joke that I found out I was pregnant as soon as I got pregnant. I just knew, and I thought that it was so cool, that me and this baby already have this bond, from their first moment of existence. My first positive test was a day before my 4th week, so I’ve been in this from the start.
Unfortunately, my first few weeks of pregnancy were not the happy, glowy, dopamine-filled days I was promised. All-day sickness wrapped it’s arms and legs around me and would not let go. I couldn’t eat, drink any liquids, or sleep, and at the same time, I couldn’t not sleep and every time I lifted my head off the pillow, I felt like I was spinning into oblivion. I wasn’t necessarily hugging the toilet every waking moment, but it felt like I was constantly on the verge All. The. Time.
The first few weeks are made even harder by the fact that I couldn’t get my first hospital visit scheduled until the eighth or ninth week. My hospital was great, and I was able to call and speak to a nurse for some tips on how to deal with the morning sickness, but it pretty much felt like for 4 weeks, I was in limbo, with no idea what was going on with my body. Was there really a baby in there, or has my body just been overtaken by some alien disease that no one has the cure to?
In those moments of hopelessness, I came to find out, I was unprepared for the realities of expecting. “Have a baby,” they said. “You’ll be glowing,” they said. “Your body will know what to do,” they said. I really wanted to punch “them” in the face, ha!
Finally we got to week eight, and I finally got the healthcare I so desperately was in need of. My husband and I try to eat clean and lead healthy lives, and like a lot of people, I wanted a natural drug-free pregnancy, but I had to come to a point that a lot of moms get to, where it’s not about your preferences anymore, it’s about the health of your child and ultimately yourself. Losing weight the way I was and not being able to keep anything down for days, wasn’t in anyone’s best interest.
The medicine was great, but nothing compared to the moment the ultrasound wand was placed on my belly and we saw our baby on his back with his arms and legs waving at us and his little heart just beating away without a care in the world. That moment changed my life forever.
Suddenly it wasn’t about the nights spent sleeping in the bathtub because I couldn’t make it back to bed, or about the meals I couldn’t eat, or about being poked for IV’s and blood draws.
Seeing my child in there, part me, part the love of my life, that moment changed everything. That moment was my “glow”. I saw his face and now I’m a believer.